Eight Ball's
case: Dr. P. Freud's answer
"Dear Dr Freud: Why
does sometimes a piglet chew when he/she has his/her
backside rubbed?"
Dr. P. Freud's answer:
"Guinea Piggies as you
know, iz highly zexual creatures. Ven they iz courting,
ze male zignals his interest by nuzzling or chewing
on her behind und der female shows her acquiescence
by not biting him or expelling body waste products in
his face (Ve Humans can learn a LOT vrom guinea pigs!).
Now ven a guinea pig iz being inappropriately shtimulated
by having hiz or her backside rubbed in ein non-zexual
encounter, it can lead to vrustration und obzessive-compulsive
behavior like chewing. Und dots vhat you haff ven you
get behind ze Eight Ball!"
Thank you, Dr. Pigman
Freud!
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Are piggies smart? Dr.
P. Freud's answer
ROXANN from California
asks: "Dr Freud, exactly how smart are guinea pigs?"
Dr. P. Freud's answer:
"Roxann, piggies iz a LOT shmarter then people giff
them credit for. Shmarter than
us in many vays. Think about it. How many of you can
brag that you got other
people looking for goodies to feed you, cuddling you,
cleaning up after you and who
come a'running every time you let out a 'wheek'? Oh
the Cavy iz canny indeed! In
fact, Professor Von Daniken in his book 'CARROTS OF
THE GODS', points out
certain pigtographs chewed into the rocks of the Andes
as evidence that piggies once
had their own high civilization. A civilization that
lasted until zey domesticated us
humans to take care of them. Und I, for vun, don't doubt
it! You may think you
know your piggies already, but if you continue to read
zis column, I guarantee you
vill zoon be seeing them in a whole new light!"
Thank you, Dr Pigman
Freud!
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Why do guinea pigs
chirp? Dr. P. Freud's answer
TOMASZ from Fidonet
asks: "Why do guinea pigs chirp?"
Dr. P. Freud's answer
"I haff heard many theories about why guinea pigs make
chirping noises like de
birdies. Zome say the chirping alerts the herd to danger.
Others say they chirp to
attract ze opposite zex; und zome even think that chirping
means ze guinea pig iz
feeling sick. In mein humble opinion, all dese eggsperts
iz wrong! I think that
chirping iz evidence of ze guinea pig's vell-developed
zense of humor. Of course itz
hard to believe that zuch a refined animal has zuch
an affinity for low comedy uff ze
pratfall und voopie-cushion variety, but think about
ze zircumshtances in vhich
chirping occurs... Itz late at nite ven out of ze blue
you are jolted vrom a zound sleep
by a guinea pig making this veird noise like you neffer
heard before. You jump out
uff bed, bang your shins against ze night-stand, fumble
for ze light switch und shtand
there blinking shtupidly at your guinea pig who iz htaring
back at you like nothing
happened! You rush to check him over but no matter vhat
you do, you can't find
anyzing wrong! Finally you giff up und go back to bed
shaking your head in
puzzlement. 15 minutes later ze guinea pig shtarts chirping
some more und up you
go to do the whole routine over again... mit de zame
results! Zo I ask you... Vhat dou
YOU think iz going on? I think that ze moment ze lights
go out, your guinea pig iz
rolling all over ze floor uff hiz cage laffing hiz furry
little head off at you! Lucky for
you that ze little shtinkers get bored with ze joke
after only vun or two repetitions. Of
course they haff lots of other tricks up their sleeves
too, but that we'll haff to
eggshplore some other day."
Thank you, Dr Pigman
Freud!
BACK
Oedipigal
Complex: Dr. P. Freud's answer
AMY from Sirius.com
asks: "Do guinea pigs ever suffer from the so-called
'Oedipigal Complex'?"
Dr. P. Freud's answer:
"Hot Doggies! A zex question! There's not a psychiatrist
in ze vorld who doesn't
LOVE to analyze all the eggzitement out of a zex question!
(In fact, that's why dey call
us 'shrinks') Anyvay, de 'Oedipigal Complex' (named
for the Greek King Oedipus
Wrecked) refers to a guinea pig who has a zexual attachment
to other members of hiz
or her family. The Human equivalent is ven a man has
a morbid attraction to hiz
mother, but de guinea pig haz a much STRONGER zex drive.
They'll chase after
parents, siblings, children, members of ze same zex
und, if no other piggies iz around,
they'll even chase themselves! If guinea pigz were to
star in zome zilly TV sit-com,
they vould undoubtedly call it 'All In The Family'!
To sum up then: Yes, guinea pigs
do exhibit signs of ze "Oedipigal Complex', but for
them it'z perfectly normal. More
unhealthy vould be ze 'Electra Complex' vhich occurs
ven a guinea pig chews on a
high-voltage wire..."
Thank You, Dr Pigman
Freud!
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Rabbit company?
Dr. P. Freud's answer
IVY from Leonis.nus.sg
asks: "I have two male GPs living alone together. Do
you think
they have forgotten about girls? Should I get them a
lady bunny rabbit for company?"
Dr. P. Freud's answer:
"Zis iz actually two
questions instead of vun so I vill answer them in order.
Heavens
no! I've never heard of two guys of ANY species ever
forgetting about girls.
Birthdays, wedding anniversaries, impending visits of
mothers-in-law, these things
yes, but to forget ze ladies themselves?! Nein! Males
have built-in reminders vhich
vork LOTS better than tying a shtring round der finger!
Getting them a lady bunny
rabbit is not always a good idea either. Don't your
boys get enuff eggzercise chasing
each other around? Besides, catching der lady bunny
could have unfortunate
consequences. If you do get one, remember to keep her
rear toenails vell-clipped
becauze bunnies don't slap impetuous suitors, they KICK
them.
Thank You, Dr Pigman
Freud!
BACK
The case
of the "under-endowed" guinea pig:
Dr. P. Freud's answer
The case of the "under-endowed"
guinea pig
The following letter
was sent to Dr Freud by person or piglets unknown: Dear
Dr
Freud: I am not sure which is worse: writing you about
my problem, or writing you
about my problem... ...My problem is this: I am very
under-endowed for a guinea pig.
Even though I don't have the company of any sows, I
am embarrassed and frustrated
when my owners call my attention to this fact. Are there
any famous guinea pigs
who have overcome the embarrassment of a "teeny weenie"
(CORRESPONDENT'S
PHRASE- NOT OURS)? Is there anything I can do to build
my confidence? Is there a
chance it might grow? I'm already 2. Any help would
be appreciated.
Signed,
Inadequate
Dr. P. Freud's answer:
DEAR INADEQUATE: Perhaps
it vill comfort you to know zat you are not ze first
guinea pig to approach me mit dis problem. In fact it
is quite common in households
vhere there iz only vun guinea pig living mit humans.
You iz like der cartoon
character Charlie Brown who iz alvayz trying to fit
in mit de others, Lucy, Snoopy,
Linus, etc., and never quite succeeding. In fact the
analogy iz zo useful, that ve guinea
pig psychotherapists have begun calling de problem "PEANUTS
ENVY". Like Charlie
Brown you, through no fault uff your own, vill neffer
fit in und der constant
vrustration of trying to mold yourzelf to Human values
has undermined your
confidence. Realizing zis iz der first shtep on der
road to recovery. Zo in conclusion, I
can only quote Lucy Van Pelz und say "that'll be five
cents please!"
Thank You, Dr Pigman
Freud!
BACK
Female gpigs
remaining still on the floor:
Dr. P. Freud's answer
Another brilliant solution
coming from Dr. P.Freud.
Michael from pilot.msu
asks:
"When I put my older
female guinea pig on the floor, she just sits where
I put her
and hardly ever moves. Is she too content to move? too
frightened? too goofy? Why
does she just sit there?"
Dr. P. Freud's answer:
"Vell Michael, assuming
ve are talking about a live and healthy guinea pig here
(ve
are, aren't ve Michael?), there could be many reasons
vhy she chooses to remain
shtill. Zis is not an uncommon behavior for female piggies.
Zome think that der
sow's role as baby- maker requires her to take fewer
risks in der wild compared to ze
boar, hence she iz quieter und moves around less. Perzonally
I think dat theory iz
piggy droppings! Piggies, as I haff said, are very shmart
creatures, und in zis case, I
think they are almost human. How many times Michael
haff you known a voman to
shtand around waiting for you to somehow KNOW vot she
iz feeling mitout her
zaying anything? If you iz anything like the rest of
us males, probably LOTS of times.
Itz chust the vay things are between men und women.
Dey iz ALVAYS eggshpecting
us men to know vot dey are thinking no matter how often
ve prove dot ve are NOT
telepathic! Und vot's true for lady humans iz probably
true for lady guinea pigz as
vell! So vot can ve do about it, Michael? I haff degreez
from zix universities und haff
been married to Mrs Freud for over 40 years und I SHTILL
haven't got a clue!
Zometimes I think der ladies planned it that vay..."
Thank You, Dr Pigman
Freud!
BACK
Psycho-Nutty-Killer-Piggie: Dr. P.
Freud's answer
Psycho-Nutty-Killer-Piggie:
Bonnie is a lovely piggie... until she mets stranger
gpigs
HELEN asks: "Dear Dr Freud: I have two female guinea
pigs who mostly get along
well and I would get another except that one of them,
Bonnie, turns into a
psycho-nutty-killer-piggie whenever I bring a new one
home. What can I do?"
Dr. P. Freud's answer:
"Vell Helen, perhapz
if you vas older you'd remember ze old vaudeville skit
where
vun man raises hiz arm und zays 'Doctor, it hurtz venever
I do that.' und ze doctor
repliez 'vell then, vhy do you keep doing that?' Ha
ha! Zeriously though, perhapz
you chust shouldn't get anudder pig. Perhapz Bonnie
iz suffering vrom low self-
esteem und can't shtand ze idea uff more competition
for your attention. The usual
treatment for zuch cases is to put zem on der couch
for some intense psychoanalysis
but dere iz a quick-fix method you can try at home which
Ve call 'Self-Pignosis'. You
know how guinea pigz can zit for hours just chewing
and shtaring into space? Vell
put a mirror in vront of her and let her shtare into
the reflection of her piggie eyes
until she hypnotizes herzelf! You can tell ven she iz
in der trance shtate becauze she
vill shtop chewing und her jaw vill drop open. Zome
piggies vill even snore at zis
time. Ven you iz zertain she iz pignotized, you repeat
softly to her 'no matter vot,
Mama loves YOU best!' 40 or 50 times then quietly introduce
her new neighbor into
ze hutch. Half der time your piggie vill be so shtupified,
she'll never even notice her
new companion. Vun word of caution though: don't try
zis in vront of people you
don't know very vell or you might find YOURSELF tied
to a couch for zome intense
psychoanalysis!"
Thank You, Dr Pigman
Freud!
BACK
What do
guinea pigs dream? Dr. P. Freud's answer
Gpig dreams: Doktor
Freud's giving his best in answering this very good
question!
MICHAEL from Pilot.msu
asks: "What do guinea pigs dream?"
Dr. P. Freud's answer:
"Ah Michael, dotse a
very good question! Modern Science has gone to great
lengths
to shtudy just vot it iz dat Guinea Pigs dream and ve
all owe a debt of gratitude to the
United States Government for it'z villingness to alvays
fund zuch important
research. Now it'z hard enough chust catching der little
beggerz mit dere eyes closed,
much less dreaming, zo such research iz shtill in it's
infancy but ve already know
that dey do haff vivid dreams. Now, unlike der fictional
Doctor Doolittle, ve cannot
actually TALK to de animals zo ve find out vot der dream
content iz by getting der
guinea pig to 'act out' der dreams for us. Und you know
vhat ve haff found? Der
guinea pig dreams about EXACTLY ze zame things dey do
every day ven they iz
awake! Dey've shown us that dey eat, drink, defecate,
und run about making 'wheek,
wheek' noises in dreams chust as if dey vere awake!
Izn't Science vunderful? Und ve
eggshpect further research vill come up mit even MORE
amazing rezults!"
Thank You, Dr Pigman
Freud!
BACK
Piggies'
head-butting: Dr. P. Freud's answer
Piggies head-butting:
Who didn't notice this behaviour in his/her piglet?
KAREN at Harvard.edu asks: "Why does my guinea pig like
to hit me with his head
when he walks behind me? Should I be worried by this
behavior?"
Dr. P. Freud's answer:
"Vell Karen, head-butting
iz a very common guinea pig behavior. Piggies, whether
dey iz vild or domestic like to play follow der leader.
You vill often see three or four
of zem strung out in a line nose to bum und moving along
like ein furry choo-choo
train. Zey can go quite fast as long as dey don't lose
sight...(hmm, perhapz dat iz not
der zense in use ven dey iz nose to bum!) of der hind
end in vront of zem Problems
only occur ven der lead piggie stops abruptly. Den you
end up mitt a pile-up like der
demolition derby on a foggy night! Even ven dey don't
pile into each other, head-
butting is common und dot's probably all zat iz happening
between your piggie und
you. Of course, nudging mitt der head can alzo be a
sign uff zexual interest but
considering de difference in size between you und your
piggie... zis iz unlikely. If,
however, you zuspect your piggie really IZ trying to
tell you 'Do you like me or iz dot
chust a carrot in your pocket?' den call me up for a
referral 'cause your piggie has
definite delusions of grandeur!"
Thank You, Dr Pigman
Freud!
BACK
Looking
for Mr. Goodboar! Dr. P. Freud's answer
Looking for Mr. Goodboar!
How to choose the right mate for your piggie.
EMMA from Aol.com asks:
"I would like to get a mate for Lady who will be a year
old
next month but I've heard so many stories about guinea
pigs that don't get along that
I've become rather nervous about the idea. What do I
look for in a male gp to ensure
a happy union?"
Dr. P. Freud's answer:
"Ah Emma! It zounds
like you und Lady iz 'LOOKING FOR MR GOODBOAR'! It
shouldn't be too difficult to find the right mate. There
are a few small thingz you
should look out for tho. Der boar should not be too
much younger or older than Lady
and should be neither too aggressive or too passive.
Good grooming is essential.
Vatch out for de veird hairdos that indicate a 'punk
pig' or even vorse- a Sinead
O'Connor fan pig (can you imagine vhat der kids vould
look like?!). A zelf- assured
piggie should be vocal, but not all the time though.
That can be a crashing boar!
Above all, shtay avay from those overbearing boars who
try to lord it over de
females. Ze last thing a Lady vants iz a male chauvinist
pig! Anyvay, der good newz
iz that even if Lady iz particular und holds her snout
high in de air, Nature alvays
zeems to find a vay in de end (no pun intended!).
Thank You, Dr Pigman
Freud!
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