Photo by Ray Arsenault
By Frank Froman
Saturday, October 20, 2001
were stunned by medical research that originated
from researchers at the University of Bangor. The
human brain has been found to serve no purpose.
Studies conducted by Bangor scientists have
conclusively proven that the origin of human
thought, emotion and behavior is no longer the
brain, as had been previously thought. These have
migrated quite rapidly in evolutionary terms and are
now lodged instead in the tuchus.
The tuchus has been found to be the seat of emotion
and wisdom. In addition, it has been identified as
the seat of pleasure and in some defiant children,
the seat of pain as well.
"We are amazed at these findings", said Dr. Hermann
Rump, chief of cognitive research at the University
of Bangor. "The tuchus really appears to be
fundamental to the locus of personal control."
"There can be no doubt that we have finally
uncovered the major cause of obesity as well",
chimed a spokesperson for a group of highly
qualified bachelors' level therapists, who noted a
.985 correlation between tuchus size and obesity.
"We will be publishing our understandings in our
membership journal, The Highly Illustrated
Educational Resource Manual of BS Therapists".
Malformations of the tuchus cause an array of
psychological problems, including body dysmorphia,
inadequate personality disorder, and in cases with a
particularly well-formed tuchus, narcissistic
personality disorder. A sore tuchus also causes mild
to moderate clinical depression. An extremely sore
tuchus has been correlated with antisocial, sadistic
and self-defeating personality disorders, as well as
major depression. The scrawny tuchus of the Twiggy
Age appears to present itself in cases of
self-defeating personality and atypical depression,
as well as anorexia. Preoccupation with the tuchus
causes OCD. Mega-tuchus appears to be associated
with difficulty in standing and sitting without
Neuropsychologists were reportedly outraged at the
news and were unprepared for this paradigm shift.
"We spent years studying brain function and
structure, and now we find that it has absolutely
nothing to do with behavior. Brains simply fill the
area behind the eyes. All that money for education
and those charts and books and tests, down the
drain!", lamented Dr. Robert Karman, who practices
in Brea, California. (1)
Managed Care organizations were elated with the
news. "We always knew that neuropsychological
testing was unnecessary. Now we find that it was
irrelevant as well. We'll be reviewing past claims
paid and sending out bills for reimbursement plus
interest", said Nimda Plotnik (2), spokesperson for
Graduate students have abandoned research programs
in the neuropsychological basis of behavior, though
several major universities still plan to teach
neuropsychology as mythology. Several Universities
are offering partial tuition refunds to recent
graduates, along with letters of apology for
Physical therapists, however, were ecstatic. "We
always thought that by getting someone off his/her
tuchus, we were really helping them", said Dr.
Josephine Uppenatem. " Now we know that it increased
blood-flow to the area and directly affected their
cognitive and emotional functioning. This research
opens a whole new area for us."
Unfortunately, it does appear that everything we
know about dominant hemispheres is now backwards.
Since the tuchus is wired directly in line with the
body, a left dominant person is more apt to be
random; and a right, analytic. A few people have a
perfectly balanced tuchus and are able to be both at
once, not to mention often conceited.
Several grant requests proposing a variety of
mapping protocols are stuck in Congress. According
to the President, "we're not sure that it's the
proper function of the Federal Government to pour
money in tuchus studies." Pressure was mounting on
the President to fund at least 17 existing lines of
research, but to slam shut the door on others not
yet established. Senator Harlem Spectator, however,
believes that there are important things to be
learned from tuchus research, and that an in-depth
understanding of how it
functions has the potential to cure many
psychological disorders. Scandinavian countries
which have fewer inhibitions about conducting
research are going ahead full-steam.
Drug company spokesperson Sircan Plotnik added, "We
always stated that the mechanism by which our
medications worked was unclear. We had long
suspected a tuchus-behavior link. We're going to be
pouring in billions to understand how the healthy
and diseased tuchus affects mood states." A new
antidepressant is being developed based on this new
research. The path of ingestion has not been
decided, though discussions have been underway with
the manufacturers of Preparation H.
Parents of older children, interviewed by CNN, were
unsurprised by the findings. "I always told my kid
that his brains were in his tuchus", said one
hapless father. "Now I find out how right I was."
His satisfaction, however, was short-lived upon
realizing that his own were as well.
Numerous famous people are now opening up with
personal stories about their tuchuses. Larry King
Live will have a special two-hour show tonight
dealing with the people who have had tuchus problems
and their success in solving them in 12-step
programs and various therapies.
Clinical Psychologists are being offered in-service
training designed to expand understanding of the
tuchus and its role in causing mental disorders.
Dr. Gordon Herz has put together a 2-day workshop
entitled "Neuroproctology and other cranio-tuchus
inversions". (3) Wisconsin will be the first
to offer a new graduate program leading to a
master's degree in tuchus studies (MITS). A
doctorate is planned for 2006.
And finally, a new APA division is being inaugurated
to replace the Neuropsychology Division. It is as
yet unnamed. Serious consideration is being given to
calling it the American Neurotuchus Advocacy League
1.. Quoted with permission and gratitude
2.. No relation to Marve Plotnik of Sedalia,
3.. Quoted with permission of the highly inventive
Ramblings-Single Sentence Counseling
By Frank Froman
Saturday, October 13, 2001
Ramblings-Single Sentence Counseling
Organized Managed Care (OMC) today released new
guidelines for therapists. All treatment will now be
authorized in single-sentence format.
"The guidelines are designed to save us millions of
dollars, and make therapy compatible with the needs
of the McDonald's Generation", said company
spokesperson Nimda Plotnik. (1)
"Specifically, we're mandating that all covered
insured's receive single-sentence counseling.
Therapists with decent training should be able to
quickly assess what the problem is, and tell the
client how to solve it in one statement. It's not
too much to ask, and will save us a ton of money.
Asked for some examples of this new counseling
format, Plotnik quoted several.
A therapist in a land-locked Midwest town once saw
an employee of the police department who became
upset when she viewed pictures of accident scenes
that were grizzly.
'What should I do?" asked the beleaguered client.
"Don't look at the pictures anymore", said the
"Doctor, that's brilliant. Why didn't I think of
The doctor remained mute, since to answer would have
required another sentence, and that would have
necessitated obtaining another authorization from
the managed care company.
Another client was in a suicidal crisis. "I can't
stand it anymore. I'm going to kill myself. Life
isn't worth living." The therapist, a recent
graduate of a bachelor's degree program and a
'Qualified Mental Health Professional' responded:
"Look, if you kill yourself and your managed care
organization finds out about it, you'll never be
able to get health insurance again anywhere."
"Gee, I never realized that. These days, it's hard
to get good coverage. Thank you, doctor, thank you."
Interestingly, the QMHP did not correct the client's
misstatement of her qualifications.
"Doctor, I can't make up my mind about a divorce. On
the one hand, I'd like to stay married for the kids,
but I can't stand the creep. What do I do?"
"Ask your mother and do the opposite of what she
says", said the doctor.
"That's fantastic. I've always done that anyway. Why
didn't I think of that?"
Single sentence counseling workshops are scheduled
around the country, starting in Evergreen, Colorado.
Meanwhile, therapists are urged to learn some of the
new single sentence statements to get a leg up on
their multi-sentenced non-managed care competitors.
1.. Try something different. (For
2.. Have you thought of applying for
disability? (From bachelor's level
3.. Keep on doing it, and you'll go blind.
4.. I know you don't think so, but it could
be worse. (Applied fatalism)
5.. Think about something else, and then do
that. (Cognitive behavioral)
6.. This too will pass.
(Existential-philosophical, or what-my-mother-
7.. In a hundred years, it won't make any
8.. Suck it up and move on. (US Marine
9.. We're all disappointed in love some of
the time. (Oprah style
10.. Heaven doesn't give you more than you can handle.
11.. It's a shame, a real shame. (Dismissive
12.. Of course you feel this way. (Carl Rogers)
13.. I like you just the way you are. (Mr. Rogers)
14.. I love you just the way you are. (Needs a Ken Pope
15.. Don't blame yourself. (For neurotics)
16.. It's all right to blame yourself. (For
17.. What's with all this blaming? (For Jewish
18.. Oh, grow up! (Joan Rivers counseling)
19.. You will have consequences. (George W. Bush
20.. You'll never improve; you're stuck forever.
21.. Stop being a hockey puck. (Don Rickles counseling)
22.. Do something for someone else. (American Red Cross
23.. Confess to your husband that you've run up his
credit cards to
know that he'll find it in his heart to forgive you.
24.. Go home; take off all your clothes, and make mad,
passionate love to
right now. (Dr. Ruth Westheimer counseling)
25.. Our time is up. (Psychoanalytic psychotherapy)
26.. Do you really think that worrying will solve this?
27.. A little anxiety, depression, mixed with some
deprivation is normal. (Who let this person in?)
28.. Though you may act stupidly, you are not stupid.
29.. All drinking is bad. (AA counseling)
30.. An occasional drink won't hurt you. (My doctor's
31.. I need a drink too. (Needs no explanation these
32.. There's nothing wrong with a little schmootz.
33.. Too much schmootz is bad. (Department of Family
34.. Into every life a little schmootz must fall.
Managed care workshop organizers are combing the
literature for condescending platitudes that
therapists can learn. "It's all clients need", said
Plotnik. "This propaganda about forming
relationships is completely overstated. When you get
your oil changed, is it important to have a
'relationship' with the guy who does it?"
In anticipation of the success of this program,
graduate schools around the country have begun
modifying their advanced psychology curricula. The
University of Baltimore has received a grant to
develop a curriculum in single-sentence therapy. Dr.
Leroy Oncegood, head of their department of clinical
training, mused that this approach would help
clients and clinicians rapidly focus on the one
presenting problem and avoid straying into
meaningless side issues. According to Oncegood,
"people who take their car in for a tune up get a
tune up. They don't expect a transmission job.
Psychologists should do the same with their clients.
All this wandering about checking side-issues is
just a way of padding the session." Managed care
officials, pleased by his statements, awarded their
annual European study trip and a free Dell Laptop
computer with a Celeron processor to Oncegood as
their token of high esteem.
APA spokespersons have been unavailable for comment,
but a managed care thorn residing somewhere in Long
Branch, New Jersey, is reported to have stated, on
hearing the new guidelines, "(#(($#@*&!%)#)".
Translators are still attempting to decode the
meaning of that statement, but they acknowledge that
it doesn't sound good.
1. No relation to Marve Plotnik of Sedalia,
By Frank Froman
Friday, August 09, 2002
Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, Fifth Edition, i
(DSM-Vi) has been officially released by the
American Psychiatric Association Press.
Eager early buyers lined up at the nation's
bookstores at midnight to buy copies at the moment
of release. Barnes and Noble stores in California
hired extra security personnel to manage lines which
snaked around several city blocks as eager
clinicians awaited their personal copies.
The new volume, 688 pages, and its companion book,
Approved Treatments for Psychiatric Problems,
had sold out in most locations by dawn.
Psychiatrists who penned most of the new diagnostic
categories were pleased that they now will have
many, many more people to treat. More behavior than
ever has been identified as pathological, according
to Dr. Doduh Medchek, American Psychiatric
New to the diagnostic categories were a host of
eating, behavioral and addictive disorders. Once
thought to be simple indiscretions, we now have a
host of new DSM problems including:
1. FE. Fressen Excessen. Characterized by insatiable
urges to snack.
2. FFA. Fast Food Addiction. After all the news of the
lawsuit, is it any
3. CRBA. Chinese Restaurant Buffet Addiction. It
finally got a separate
category that was long overdue.
4. EPO. Eating from the Plates of Others. Needs no
a subcategory for eating the French
Fries of others at fast food places.
5. ISH. I'm Still Hungry. Inability to be without food
for a period of over
one hour. Often afflicting teenagers,
especially post-pubescent males.
6. PA. Pepsi Addiction.
7. FtS. Follow the Smell. An irresistible urge to eat
when smelling food
being prepared. Variant: Inability to
abstain from food when others
around you are eating.
8. FS. Food Sneaking. Any eating done while hoping one
will not be caught
in the act by family members.
9. ESU. Eating standing up. A delusion based on the
errant thought that
eating without sitting does not
result in weight gain.
10. JCEPS. Jews Conflicted by Eating Pork and Shellfish.
11. B & B. Binge and Binge. For people who haven't heard
binge-purge syndrome. Secondary
12. Anorexia Schmanorexia. Parents who doubt that their 16
daughter's 65 pound weight
could be caused by a psychological
13. BBn. Big Boned. Replaces Morbid Obesity.
14. CPC. Compulsive Pencil Chewing. Also compulsive pen
compulsive pen clicking.
15. CF. Compulsive Flossing: defined as flossing 3 or more
times a day,
with active engagement of both
adjacent tooth surfaces.
16. CWD. Compulsive Water Drinking. Can go no longer than 3
without a swig.
17. SBS. Sneezing in Bright Sunlight.
18. SPA. Addiction to watching South Park on TV.
19. BMP. Preoccupation with the quantity of excreted bowel
Accompanied by feelings of
relief and pride.
20. BCA. Bagged Carrot Addiction, as manifested by eating the
of one or more bags of peeled
carrots daily for two or more weeks.
21. IA. Internet Addiction, as manifest by spending 12 or
more hours per
day on the World Wide Web for a
period of more than 2 weeks.
22. CCBCD. Catholics Conflicted over using Birth Control
23. CCD. Childhood Cooperative Disorder, manifested by the
what the parent wants when they
24. SPD. School Perfectionism Disorder, as manifest by the
presence of a
majority of A's in a public or
private school curriculum.
25. HFD. Homework First Disorder, as manifest by a child
immediately on coming home from
26. DRD. Driver's Rage Disorder.
27. DRD, Mild. Flicking off offending motorist.
28. DRD, Moderate. Throwing tire iron or similar material at
29. DRD, Severe. Removing a portion of the anatomy of
30. DRD, Profound. Launching the offending motorist with
vehicle into high
31. CPS. Crossover politico syndrome: Democrats liking George
32. CPS Variant: Republicans longing for the prosperity of
33. Prc-A. Piercing Addiction: 3 or more non-ear parts of the
Add 5th digit to show number of
piercings, H or O for hidden or openly
34. FSS. Fetal Schmo Syndrome, indicating a person who was a
even before birth.
35. NCD. No Clue Disorder: Men surprised when their
girlfriends leave after
they beat them up.
36. SD. Schmegegie Disorder. Women who stay in relationships
get beaten up, hoping that
their boyfriends will change.
37. Tsoris Minimus. People who complain but have nothing
wrong with them.
38. Tsoris Moderatus. replacing the category, dual diagnoses.
39. Tsoris Maximus. Time to refer to the new kid who's
competing with you
down the block.
In addition, professional rivalry has now been
pathologized. Two examples:
PRP. Psychiatrists who respect
psychologists. A very rare syndrome
now unseen in New Mexico and
spreading. Add fifth digit to indicate
degree of panic and fear (1-9).
PWP. Psychologists wishing they
were psychiatrists. A sub-branch of
In a brief article such as this, only a tiny
smattering of the new Diagnostic categories can be
reviewed. For those of you who have not yet bought
the book, the American Psychiatric Association
encourages you to shell out $95.00 and pick up your
own. That is, unless you want to be diagnosed as:
PC. Pathologically Cheap, as
manifested by refusal to buy the latest DSM
until your old one wears out.
intent of this page is satirical and does not
necessarily represent views or opinions held or
supported by AssessmentPsychology.com or Dr. William